Tongue Tied
by PepsiTigress
Summary: 'Sometimes the reason I'm so tongue tied is because my brain moves a mile a minute when he's around me. Phil Lester is my hero.' Summary: Dan Howell, a quiet student, who never speaks his mind, begins to find his voice when he befriends a senior, Phil Lester. *Also published on wattpad* **There will be mentions of suicide, but no actual scenes of suicide.**
1. Chapter 1: Good Morning

I rolled over to hear my stupid phone screaming out to inform me that it was time to wake the hell up. The only thing that went through my mind was that today marked the first day back to school after holiday. Christmas had come and gone so fast this year unlike last year, but maybe it was because school wasn't as painful as it was this year.

I sauntered over to my wardrobe to pick out the school uniform, which consisted of black shoes, black trousers, a white button up, a black dress coat, and a red tie. The emblem of the school, proudly called Saint John's rest upon my right breast and the right side of my upper arm. Looking into my mirror, I adjusted the ridiculous red tie three more times. I hated the color. It threw off the entire outfit altogether, but whatever.

As I skipped down the stairs with my backpack in hand, I heard my mother arguing with my younger brother, Adrian. Something along the lines of homework and being tardy. I cautiously slid past the two, making my way through the parlor and front room. I slid through the front door, shutting it with a silent click.

On the porch, I looked at my IPhone to glance at the time. Perfect. I would be on time to school for once!

* * *

The moment I made it to the front lawn of the school, I saw the entire student body standing in the courtyard. The popular girls, beautiful as always, sat around the large fountain whilst the jocks threw a football back and forth to each other. It only caused the ever so popular girl, Courtney Cadbury, to shout at the boy's to knock it off before she kicked their ass. Her long black hair, curled just right, framed her pale skin, perfect and flawless. Her eyes looked to be a gentle shade of grey. She was beautiful to me.

Smack!

Instantly, I was knocked to the ground as a stinging sensation spread across the left side of my head. I rubbed at it, sitting up to see one of the jocks beside me. It took me a moment to even realize who it was; Steven Brown.

"Should've moved out of the way, faggot!" Steven barked at me as if I were to blame for their misthrow of the damn ball!

I opened my mouth to speak but shut it. I was not good with confrontation. In my head, I yelled back at Steve. I just shook my head and began to gather up my books that had haphazardously fallen out of my bag. When I grabbed my calculator, Steve kicked my bag away from me, yelling and laughing at me.

"Peasant," I mumbled once he was far away enough from me.

Even Courtney had walked away. It's great to know I'm a loser, and I'm invisible. That's right. No one knows me. I don't ever get dates with pretty girls. I never get invited to parties. Worst of all, I don't have any friends. That's pathetic for being a sixteen year old boy. I'm sixteen. I should have a best friend-

The bell rang.

 _Great_ , I thought. _Late to my first class with my stupid, hard-to-understand mathematics teacher._

Right as I reached for my black composition book, a hand, freckled and pale, grabbed it, handing it to me. I looked up through my brown fringe to see a boy with black hair and ocean blue eyes staring down at me. He had a crooked smile, but something about it made my cheeks burn with blush.

"Here," he said. "Come on, or we'll both be late to class."

I stood upright, mouth wanting to drop open. Damn it. I wanted to say thank you, but, again, nothing came out except a, "Yeah, wouldn't want to be late."

"Phil Lester," he told me as we both rushed to the entrance of the school.

"Dan Howell," I mumbled to him.

Once inside, he went left and I went right.

Even though I was late, the only thing on my mind was how beautiful his eyes were.

 _Phil Lester_ , I repeated in my head as I stepped into the classroom to be greeted with Mr. Geysler's Irish accent. Even with Phil's name clouding my mind, I could not understand a God damn word from this man.


	2. Chapter 2: Ocean Eyes

Lunch had finally arrived; my stomach was in tune with the bell schedules as it rumbled quietly. I shuffled through my wallet while walking down the hallway, pulling out my ID card with a picture of Zac Efron taped over my own face. I would get in trouble if my principal saw, but I hated looking at myself. At least Zac had vibrant blue eyes, a beautiful complexion, and flippy hair. Ever since High School Musical came out, it's all I ever listened to on my ipod.

At home, I'd watch the film or click on my favorite scenes that consisted of Troy and Gabriella. My absolute favorite was _Breaking Free_. In fact, it was playing in my ears as I entered the cafeteria filled with students.

I knew exactly where I would be going for lunch, but I had to get my tray from the women behind the counter before I could leave the cafeteria. Every day at lunch, I'd do the same thing: Grab my lunch, then go to Mrs. Goldsberry's room to eat while she taught me to play piano.

It was so lame, but learning piano from her was better than that old woman who taught me years ago. Long story short, one day while watching an episode of Arthur, I decided that I wanted to learn to play piano. Mum and dad told me that the only way for me to get lessons was if I were to pay her myself, and I agreed. I paid her every week I went, but the first time I went she basically told me that I'm a piece of shit, my hands are too fat, and that I'm never going to amount to playing anything that doesn't sound like pin-needles piercing your ears. I quit attending after I realized I could save my money to buy something else that would amount to making me happy, which was a hamster.

I adjusted the backpack strap over my shoulder as I stood in line, music blaring in my ears. As my eyes scanned the room, I caught sight of Phil Lester. He was walking over to a table, a brown sack in hand. Phil was heading towards a table that was filled with goth kids, each of them eating their lunches. Shit.

 _Why the hell would that guy go there?_ I thought to myself, holding my lunch card to the scanner. I turned my attention back to the lunch tray that was given to me. Today's lunch was a mound of burnt meat loaf, dried out corn, and watery mashed potatoes. Yum. I sucked my lips in as my eyebrows lifted up as if to say, great job at cooking. I slid down the line, grabbing a small bowl of salad. At least I could eat that.

As I shifted around to grab a chocolate milk, I heard my name being called. Pursing my lips, I moved my body in the direction of the voice. The owner of the voice was none other than Phil Lester, waving me over.

 _Why does he want me to come over there?_ I asked myself, hands beginning to freeze.

I pulled an ear bud out from my ear as I walked over and said, "Um, I was going to the music room."

Phil, who had taken a seat beside Damian Killewich, looked up at me from his sandwich with a little smile. "Sit with me," he insisted, patting the empty chair.

I looked to others, and then to Phil for a moment, taking in his appearance. His eyes weren't rimmed with as much black as Damian, but the black allowed Phil's blue eyes to shine as brightly as the ocean. His eyes were refreshing like a gulp of deliciously cold water that a dehydrated animal would never grow tired of. Eyes I could never grow tired of looking at. Something about those ocean blue eyes made me want to stay with him and question why he was being so kind to me, but I already knew it had to be out of pity or a dare.

I tightened my grip on the tray, saying, "No thanks."

Damian looked to Phil with a slight eye roll, spooning chocolate pudding into his mouth. His nails were painted black to accent his ridiculous eyeliner, and I could see a decorative tattoo beneath the collar of his white, button up jacket. Damien's mouth opened, his brown eyes bore into mine for longer than what I liked as he said, "If you aren't going to sit with us, move it."

 _Fuck you,_ I thought angrily.

"Not like I wanted to sit with you peasants anyway," I mumbled as quietly as I could, bitterly.

I turned on my heel and made my way to Mrs. Goldberry's room, throwing my untouched lunch in the trash. As I walked through the hallway, I reached into my pocket to discover my Ipod had fallen out! Shit! Mum wouldn't be able to afford to buy me a brand new one after my brother just broke his iphone screen!

I pushed a frustrated hand through my hair, entering her room. The heavy set woman looked up from behind the piano, her blonde haired tied back in a ponytail and her youthful looking green eyes watching me. She wore a black blouse with a pink button-up sweater and black slacks. At least she could wear somewhat normal clothes.

"Ah, Dan, good to see you here. Are you not eating?" she asked.

"Uh, I'm not too hungry," I lied, dropping my backpack at her desk.

I walked over to her, took a seat at the bench, and looked at the shut music book. I wanted to ask her if she knew anything about Phil, but she was a teacher. What the hell would she even know?

"I thought today you could pick out something," she said.

"Anything?" I asked with a sudden spark of interest, forgetting everything that had just happened in the cafeteria.

"Anything you want," Mrs. Goldberry said, harmoniously.

"I want to learn _Ocean Eyes_ by Billie Eilish," I told her with eager eyes, a crooked smile on my face.


	3. Chapter 3: Strange Things Will Happen

**Happy Valentines Day my readers! My valentine is this chapter to you! 3  
**

 **Thanks for reading and please do comment!**

 **A random fact is, many times my titles are actually titles to songs that I write chapters to because it inspired me.**

* * *

I stood underneath my black umbrella as the rain poured heavily from the pregnant, dark clouds above. I hadn't left the school's courtyard yet, but I didn't know what or who I was waiting for. Something told me to stay for a few more moments. I watched as Courtney ran with one of her friends to a car, both screaming as the rain hit their head.

Soon, almost every car and student had left for the day, leaving me to myself. I let out a heavy sigh, shook my head, and began to walk on the pavement in the direction to go home. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, thankful I still had it, and began to walk. Something about walking cleared my head, but those blue eyes still haunted my mind no matter what I seemed to do. Phil Lester's eyes. I looked down at my phone, reading some old texts, hoping to distract myself from my thoughts.

When I neared the first cross walk, I just walked out into the road. I didn't even bother to look either way to watch for any incoming traffic. I didn't even look up from my phone. I made it about three steps on the road when an old, beat up black car came to a honking stop. I jumped.

The driver got out of the car coming around front where I was. It was none other than Phil Lester himself. He came over with anger evident in his blue eyes; a brewing storm forming in those eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, walking in the road when a car's coming?" he demanded, anger clear in his voice.

I stared at him, dumbfounded.

"I..." I began to say, but I couldn't form words. I shook my head some with a nervous laugh escaping my lips. "It's my fault. I had my earbuds in."

Phil pushed a frustrated hand through his dampening black hair. "You need to be careful. I could have hit you and I would have felt so guilty for it." He sighed softly. "Since I almost hit you, I can drive you home, and it's also raining."

I didn't really want to say no because I hated walking in the rain, which was almost something that happened all the time in England, but I didn't want to say yes.

 _Just say yes_ , I told myself.

"If you don't mind to," I said, forcing myself to speak.

I saw the anger in Phil's face fade away quite quickly upon hearing my answer. He waved a hand at me, turning to go the car.

"Come on then," he told me.

I walked over quickly, opened the door, shut my umbrella, and climbed inside the warm vehicle. My once ice-cold hands began to warm up at the blast of heat that circulated throughout the vehicle. I buckled up and looked to the radio as I heard the song he had playing in the car, _Ways to Go_ by Grouplove. I knew that song and the name of the band, but hearing it in Phil's car was a bit odd. If he was hanging out with the goth kids, and if he were a goth, why would he be listening to them? Maybe I'm stereotyping him, but it was weird.

"Where do you live?" I heard Phil's voice crack through the music.

I quickly told him how to get there as I fumbled with my phone, stuffing it in the pocket of my jacket. I cleared my throat once I finished and looked at the cubbyhole under his radio to see that there was an ipod. An ipod that looked like mine. My eyes grew wide as I reached for it, taking it in my hands.

"I found that after you walked away," he said to me, taking a turning along the road. "I didn't know whose it was."

"It's mine! You just saved my ass. My mum would have killed me if I lost it!" I practically shouted, inspecting my ipod for any cracks.

Phil cracked up laughing at me, or at least I thought it was at me. His laugh was adorable- _no, stop_.

"You're welcome," Phil said, still laughing.

I licked at my lips as I settled down, pushing my ipod in the same pocket. I reached over, turning the heat down since I felt myself getting extremely hot.

"Um, Phil, can I ask why you sit with those goth kids?" I asked, suddenly regretting my question as soon as I said it.

Phil glanced over at me, then back at the road as we came to a stop light. He seemed to get rigid at me asking. I almost told him never mind, but he answered, "They're my friends."

I looked at his hands to see that he had black painted on them. Why hadn't I noticed before? I felt like my brain was cloudy every time I approached Phil. I felt as though I was ten times more stupid than I already am. I dared to look more at Phil. He had black nails, black eyeliner, and what seemed to be a tattoo on his left wrist and left side of his neck. I couldn't see what they were, but I wouldn't pry. However, I did notice one more thing. He had a hole in his left ear where an earring would go.

"Do you wear earrings?" I suddenly blurted out.

"Yeah, I do," he said raising a brow at me. "I just didn't put them in this morning. I was late to school." He was talking to me now rather bluntly. Almost like I was irritating him.

I felt the weight sinking down inside me. A heavy black mass that spread through my stomach, filling me up with dread and anxiety. I looked out the window as the droplets of rain raced down the glass.

I felt Phil's eyes on me, but I didn't care.

"We're here," he said coming to a stop in front of my house.

I stepped out of the car, taking everything with me. I leaned over and said, "Thanks for taking me home."

"Don't walk on the road again.," he said without even bothering to look at me. What the fuck?

I shut the door and ran in front of the car, going through the front door. I shut the door, leaning against it with my backpack pressed to my chest. My heart pounded heavily against my ribcage as my mind raced in fear.

"Bear? Are you home?" Mum called from the kitchen.

"Yes!" I called back to her. I peeled my shoes off, hung up my jacket and backpack, and went into the kitchen.

I came over to my mum, who had stunning hazel eyes and shoulder length brown hair, curled at the ends. She gave me a soft hug and kiss to the forehead.

"How was your day?" she asked going to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

She uncapped and sipped at the bottle, looking to me expectantly. "Make any new friends?" She must have seen me get out of Phil's car.

I let out an exasperated sigh, collapsing at the stool nearest to me. "I wouldn't call them a friend, but I met someone at school. He's...nice."

She sat the bottle down, taking a seat next to me. "I know it's hard for you to make friends, but maybe you should have your friend come over sometime to play video games. Adrian's friends are coming over tomorrow to spend the night."

My eyes instantly rolled. "Mum, I don't want to talk about this. I have plenty of friends," I lied, getting irritated. I didn't want to talk to my mum about this. I didn't feel like it was necessary at all.

I watched her from the corner of my eyes as she stood up. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Tonight your dad and I are going to a dinner for work, so you are in charge. You can heat up a pizza or leftovers," she said. She leaned over to kiss my cheek, a smile cracking on my face. She knew my love for pizza too well.

"Thanks," I said as my phone dinged. I almost fell out of my chair from surprise. No one ever texted me!

I pulled my phone out as my mum walked out of the kitchen to see that the text was from a number I didn't know. What? I never gave anyone my number! Maybe it was Courtney?

I opened the text, reading it:

Hey, it's Phil. I tried to ask someone for your number and text you, but no one had it. You left your composition notebook in my car. I opened it and found your number inside. I didn't read anything in it.

I felt my cheeks burn up. That composition book had so many random ideas, writings, and personal things inside of it.

I immediately texted back:

Thanks

I can pick it up tomorrow

He didn't ever text me back that night, even though I left my phone on the loudest setting possible in the kitchen while baking the pizza in the oven. I never heard it go off. Not once.

Even when I was stuffing my face in front of the telly. No message.

I tried to force myself to realize that Phil wasn't even my friend. I wasn't going to just get a text back from him. He was probably too busy texting his friends or a possible girlfriend to bother texting some freak like me.

When I finally went to bed, my phone went off.

I almost fell out of bed just to grab it. I was not disappointed at all in the least when I looked at it. It was Phil!

Tomorrow, would you want to sit outside in the courtyard for lunch?

Phil wanted to eat with me at lunch!? Holy shit! I almost screamed out loud, but I muffled it with my pillow. I eagerly texted Phil back:

Sure =D

I sighed in relief and fell asleep.

* * *

 _Pale hands made their way to my hips whilst my lips moved along another's. Their thumbs pressed a little harder into my skin, making me moan into their mouth. I wanted to taste them more. Their taste was delicious. Sweet, syrupy, and slightly bitter. Their tongue carefully slid out to glide along my lower lip, begging for entrance. I happily let the tongue inside whilst my tongue invitingly accepted it._

 _Too soon, the kiss broke and I opened my eyes to look into my liplocking partner's own orbs. There they were. Those ocean eyes that could only belong to one person. Phil Lester._


	4. Chapter 4: Let Me In

The next morning was quite uninteresting and boring to even go through honestly. Blah, blah, blah. Mr. Geysler's Irish accent was the death of me. Everyone in class was moaning and groaning as he tried to explain the Pythagorean theorem. I was called a peasant by one of my teachers and I could not believe it. Maybe the rest of the day would run much more smoothly.

* * *

Rather than me going to the music room for lunch, I went outside to the picnic tables with my tray in hand. Today's lunch, for me, was a salad with croutons and ranch, a fruit cocktail, and a water. I thought about the small conversation I had with Phil last night, secretly hoping he meant that he was going to eat lunch with me.

Not even a moment went by before Phil came out, carrying his own tray with chocolate milk, ham, mashed potatoes, and corn. He took a seat in front of me and gave a small smirk.

"Hey," Phil said, moving the spoon around the potatoes. His blue eyes met mine as he looked up from his tray.

I quickly replied, "Hey."

I took a sip of water to wet my dry mouth before asking, "Why did you want to sit with me?"

Phil, spoon in his mouth, glanced at me, then put the spoon down. "We seemed to get along, somewhat, when I drove you home. Also, you left something in my car, remember?"

I watched him reach into his backpack, which was decorate in a multitude of buttons of bands including: My Chemical Romance, Skillet, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Paramore, Panic! At the Disco, and so many more. I was impressed. Most of those bands I was a huge fan of, but I didn't say anything to him about my shared admiration. He extracted my black composition notebook and handed it to me.

"I promise I didn't read anything that you had inside your notebook," he said.

It wouldn't matter if he read what was on the first page, but the other pages mattered to me. I had so many secrets and stories about the people from this school it wasn't funny. One thing in particular that was in my notebook was the fact that I had Courtney's name written on a few pages, along with some writing about how beautiful she was. There were also pages about how stupid some of my classmates were. My mum called it a diary, but it's not a diary. Only girl's write in diaries.

I stuffed the notebook in my backpack and shifted some to look at him. I took a bite of salad as I thought about what to even ask him. Would he just leave? It was a bizarre two days at best. I kept losing things around Phil Lester and he would return them to me just like Cinderella, who lost her glass slipper and had it returned to her by the prince. Phil wasn't a prince though! No way!

"You must think a lot to yourself, and talk to yourself," Phil commented as he chewed silently.

I hadn't realized I had been talking out loud to myself. Great. Fucking, great!

"I...yeah," I said nervously. I moved my fork nervously as I tried to think of something to ask of him. "Don't you think your friends are questioning where you are?"

"Maybe, but it doesn't matter to me if they're questioning it. It's nothing to stress about," the raven commented. I watched him take a sip of milk then set it back down.

"Um, Phil, I was wondering if we could hang out sometime?" I asked him nervously. My mum was trying to get me to invite friends over after all.

"There's a party tonight at Damian's if you're interested," Phil said with a smirk forming on his crooked lips. "I can take you, or you can meet me there. It starts at eight."

A party meant drinking, which meant that there wouldn't possibly be any type of parental guidance there. That didn't sound too good.

Before I could even think more on it, I instantly answered him, "I'll go. I'll meet you there. I can do that. Sure."

I swore I saw a sparkle in Phil's eyes, but as fast as I saw it, it was gone.

For the rest of our lunch together, we ate and talked about how hot Hayley Williams was. I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Phil listened and chimed in now and again, laughing with me. Laughing with me! Not at me! Right as we got into a topic of how black was our favorite color, the bell rang. We both agreed to seeing each other at eight, and we went to class.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! The next chapter will be all about this _glorious_ party! xxx**


	5. Chapter 5: A Night to Remember

I stared at myself in the mirror, unsatisfied with how I looked. The black skinny jeans with rips in the knees were okay, but the shirt I chose made me feel out of place; the quarter sleeve button up was not a good idea. I walked to the wardrobe and fished out a light blue shirt with a robot on it; underneath the robot it read: I love you. Whatever. I ran my fingers through my hair a few more times then I slid on my decorative bracelets. The party would be fine. Mum already agreed to letting me go out for the night since dad and her were having dinner with Adrian and some friends. Thank God.

I went out the door with my cell in my pocket and money to pay for the taxi. I stood out on the pavement while the thoughts raced through my mind. What if when I go, Phil ends up laughing at me? What if it's just a set up? Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I should pretend to be sick.

Right as I thought about turning to go back inside, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see that Phil had texted me. It read:

 **Just got to the party. Are you still coming?**

I pushed a frustrated hand through my hair while biting my lower lip, hard. I let my fingers type, shakily.

 _ **Yeah. I am just leaving my house. See you there.**_

As if the taxi knew my response, it stopped at the pavement and I climbed inside.

* * *

Stepping out of the taxi, I saw the large house had many cars parked outside and people crammed inside. I wanted to turn around and climb back into the car, but I forced myself to go inside, pushing my way through grumping-and-grinding party-goers. I scrunched my nose as I heard the most annoying band on the planet playing inside: Blood on the Dance Floor. Oh, well.

While making my way to finding Phil, a cup was unanticipatedly pushed into my hand. I sniffed at it. Definitely beer. I took a hesitant sip at it to discover that someone had mixed it with some kind of soda. I would much rather drink something like Ribena, but this would work for now.

As I took a turn into the living room, I saw a couple on the couch locking tongues with each other and a hand was placed on my shoulder. I turned around with a jump, spilling my drink all over the front of my shirt. Great job, I told myself bitterly. The hand, of course, belonged to Phil.

He immediately apologized, but I could barely hear it over the music. I was too busy taking in his features in anyways. I could not help myself. I felt like a stupid kid staring up at some celebrity they had just met for the first time. I swallowed heavily as I took in those black skinny jeans that hung a little low to reveal a black studded belt, a dark blue elastic band that had to belong to boxers, and his shirt, black, that had a My Chemical Romance logo on it with some crazy design. His eyes were rimmed with black, but in a beautiful way to make those blue eyes pop. In his lower left lip was a piercing; a black ring. Not to mention black earrings to match.

"Dan?" Phil said to me, holding up a black jacket.

I shook my head a little, shouting at him. "I don't need a jacket! Thank you, though!"

He nodded at me, pulling at my arm gently. "Come with me!"

Leading me up the stairs, he handed me a shirt from his backpack, one of his black shirts. I took it hesitantly. "You don't mind?"

"No," Phil confirmed with a soft smile.

Since we both were of the same sex I didn't mind changing so I slid off the soaking wet shirt and replaced it with the cologne drenched shirt that belonged to Phil. It was a little big on me. It was black with white broken hearts on the front. I thanked him as we went downstairs, into the kitchen, and out the sliding glass door.

He dragged me out onto the back porch where Damian and a few others were smoking cigarettes with a bottle of alcohol in hand. Phil brought me to the opposite side so we could sit on the porch swing together. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes from the jacket pocket along with a black lighter that read: Light.

While I watched him light a cigarette in his lips, I cracked up with a small laugh.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him, taking another sip of the strange mixture of alcohol.

I watched Phil drag in the nicotine for a moment then he put the cigarette between his fingers, looking to me. "What? What is what supposed to to mean?" he asked me, offering the cigarette to me as I heard the song echoing from outside switch over to Is There Somewhere by Halsey.

I took the cigarette hesitantly, having never smoked, I just took a small drag in then handed it over as I coughed. It felt like I was choking on ashes; I wasn't wrong. I took a swig, clearing my throat.

I croaked out, "Light. What does that mean on your lighter? Is it supposed to be ironic or something?"

Phil shook his head with a slight laugh, placing the cigarette back in his mouth. "No, but it means a lot to me. It's something I don't want to ever forget," he explained, moving his hands around. He picked up a bottle of what looked like Smirnoff Green Apple, taking a drink from it.

I gave him a soft smile then it faded a bit as I said, "I don't know why I avoided you. I knew about you, but everyone made it seem like you were a dick."

I watched Phil's lips twitch with a soft smile. "I think it made it out to be that way because of the people I hang out with and how I dress out of school," he explained.

I nodded and said nothing else. Together, the two of us sat under the the blanket of stars and drank Smirnoff's together; I had about six bottles. I was beginning to feel the haziness spread through my body, and my tongue felt thick. I stood up as I heard the music switch over to something that had a nice beat to it, shaking my hips this way and that. It didn't matter what I was doing since the people on the porch had left for a few drinks.

Turning to look at Phil, I gave him a smile. He didn't appear to be wasted but maybe my drunken mind was playing tricks on me, but he stood up and placed an arm around my waist. His mouth went to my ear to whisper, "You should sit down or you'll fall."

I shook my head despite the warm sensation that tickled my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. "I...do not need to sit, Phil," I told him, slurring in my speech. "We should dance. You and me...you know that song from...ugh...the one that goes 'We're soarin', flyin' there's not a star in Heaven that we can't reach!' We should sing that. I could..I could beat you."

A chuckle escaped his lips while he lead me into the house. As we went through the crowd of people, I found myself wanting to sleep, to find a bed. However, Phil brought me over to the island that was crowded with food and drinks, brushing them off he picked me up and sat me on it with gentle fingers. "Stay here," he told me.

I watched him walk over to the sink with a cup in hand until a girl came over, handing me another drink. I took a few sips of it then sat it down as it burned down my throat. That was too bitter for me. Bleh.

"Dan, here," Phil's voice said loudly to me as I saw that he was back in front of me.

I gave him a sly smile and winked at him. "Thank you, sexy~" I said; it slipped right out of my mouth before I filter myself. Although, I couldn't lie. Phil was handsome and those blue eyes of his were calling my name. Instead of taking a drink from the cup, I put it down, and looped my index fingers around Phil's belt loops, tugging him towards me. He stumbled until he was between my legs. With one hand, I put it behind his neck and stroked at the soft black hair, staring into those blue orbs. They lit my entire body on fire like I had just stepped foot into a burning building.

Carefully, I pulled Phil down and kissed him on the lips. The kiss ignited my entire body with gasoline and the fire was so large that it was burning in the pit of my stomach. My fingers threaded tighter into his hair as he kissed me back, but right as it began he pulled away from me.

"Dan, you're drunk. We can't do this," Phil scolded me. He gently took hold of my hands and gave a soft smile. "You're a good kisser, but we can try this again when you're more sober, okay?"

I gave a cute little laugh despite the fact my heart suddenly ached for another kiss. "You're hard to get aren't you, Philly~?" I asked, testing the nickname. I slid off the counter, stumbling into Phil's chest.

Phil wrapped a protective arm around me, holding me up. Softly, he whispered in my ear, "I'm going to take you home." Phil led me to the car outside, opened the passenger door for me, and I slid inside. I buckled myself in, forgetting I had borrowed Phil's shirt.

He climbed inside, started the car, and he began to drive. I fumbled with the radio until it landed on Pillowtalk by Zayn. I turned it down enough so Phil could hear me. "Phil, you are just...gorgeous. Has anyone ever told you? You're more gorgeous than Zac Efron!"

I heard Phil laugh at my statement as I looked out the window. I turned to look at him, half expecting him to ask me where I lived, but he didn't.

"Dan, the reason I like the word light is because it's the first thing I said. It's stupid to want to remember, but I think that there are certain things we need to remember. When we get old, our memories start to go, but maybe when I get old, I can look at the lighter and always think of how I said that." Phil said suddenly.

I didn't get it. It was just a word, but that word could mean anything to anyone I guess.

"It's stupid, isn't it?" Phil asked.

I shook my head, facing him as our conversation grew serious.

"It's not dumb. I have a stuffed animal that I sleep with still. We all have something to remember ourselves when we get old. You know what? I think it's cool. It's like an ironic placement on your lighter. It's like you're lighting up everyone's life. You ever hear of people that are going through a rough patch and then someone steps in and lights up their life? I think that's what your destiny is," I said.

The car came to a stop as we reached my house. He put the car in park, turning to me with a tender smile, saying, "Thank you."

A smile cracked onto my mouth, but my stomach lurched. I leaned over and threw up on the floorboards of Phil's car. I prepared for Phil to yell at me, kicking me out of his car, but the yelling never came.. A hand was on my back, rubbing up and down in small circles.

When I sat up straight, he was smiling.

"Can I help you clean up?" he asked.

I nodded even though I could feel the vomit on my chin.

Real classy, Dan. I thought.

Quietly, we walked into my house and went straight to the bathroom downstairs since my parents room was upstairs, most likely sleeping. I shut the door, turning the exhaust fan on to muffle any sounds. I grabbed one of the hand towels from the rack, wet it, and began to wash my face off, but Phil took it from me with a dashing smile.

"I told you, I was doing it," he said, forcing me to sit on the toilet seat. He knelt down and wiped every last bit of vomit from my lips and chin like I was a child. Once he was done, he put the towel across the spigot to air dry.

"Thank you," I whispered quietly. I picked up my toothbrush and toothpaste to brush my teeth, but Phil stopped me.

"Tomorrow, meet me at Starbucks," he told me.

I gave him a nod, maybe a little too eagerly.

He cleared his throat then pulled me into an embrace, holding me in an almost loving way. Once he pulled away, he winked at me and said, "I'll tuck you into bed."

Laughing a bit, I brushed my teeth and walked into my room. I peeled off my jeans and then climbed into bed as Phil followed. He tucked me in whispering, "Good night. See you tomorrow." Before he turned to leave, however, he kissed my forehead. I was about to say something, but he was already out the door, shutting it with a click.

I stayed awake for a few minutes thinking about the kiss before I fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6: Coffee and Cigarettes

**Sorry for my absence! I ended up having to work a little extra, and then I got super sick. I lost my voice and slept a lot more than usual! I had part of this chapter typed, but then like I said, I got sick and had to work more! Thanks for being patient**

* * *

 _Ugh..._

I woke up to the sun shining into my eyes and I quickly rolled over to face my nightstand. My clock read 11:30 am. My brown eyes caught sight of a sticky note, two pain killers, and a bottle of water. I raised a brow as I peeled away the pastel blue sticky note to read it:

 _Dan,_

 _Before I left, I thought you'd need these. Stay hydrated. Meet me at the coffee shop around 12 if you're awake._

 _Phil_

I just smiled at that, despite the small headache I had. Putting the note down, I took the painkillers and pulled out an outfit to wear after a shower. My hair was oily and it sticking to my forehead. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and realize that I was still in Phil's shirt.

 _Oh, shit._

Not to mention, now that I was thinking about it, I kissed Phil Lester. The stupid alcohol had made me relax to the point that I just pulled Phil into a kiss, not even regretting it at the time. I still didn't regret it now that it was morning, but I began to fear about what Phil might do now.

What if he's just going to hang out with me to make fun of me? What if his other friends are there with a camera ready to record me while Phil makes a fool out of me? He wouldn't do that, though. He did kiss my forehead. That must mean something. I just won't mention it.

As I went out into the hallway, Adrian stopped me with a look on his face that made my stomach feel sick. Why did he look like he knew something?

"Who's your boyfriend?" he asked me, a smirk on his face.

I sputtered out, "Boyfriend!? What are you talking about?"

"I saw a guy come out of your room after you two were in the bathroom. He was raiding our house and then he left. Who is he?" my brother asked as he leaned against the wall.

"He's just a friend from school. Why the hell does it matter?" I asked bitterly.

"If he's just a friend, then why are you wearing his shirt?"

I pushed past him with an eye roll. "I had to borrow it. Just shut up and go annoy mum, or something" I told him. I headed into the bathroom and got into the shower, trying to forget that confrontation even happened.

* * *

At the coffee shop.

I sucked in a breath as I looked myself over; my colorful wristbands were on, black skinny jeans, a white shirt with a robot on the front, and a black jacket. Okay. I could do this. I headed inside, ordered a caramel machiatto, and took a seat at a table. I stirred my drink several times while music played soothingly in the little cafe until the door's bell got my attention. I looked up to see Phil walking into the cafe. I watched him out of the corner of my eye while he ordered a drink. When he turned around, I quickly looked to my drink, hoping he didn't see me watching, until a hand was on my back.

"Hey, Dan," Phil said to me as he took a seat across from me. He had what looked like a mocha coffee. He must have gotten a triple chocolate or something because it was almost an inch thick at the bottom of the cup.

"Hey. I'm sorry about last night," I quickly said, taking a sip from the blue straw of my drink.

"Don't be. You must not have eaten before you left," Phil told me with a shrug. "I have to eat something sometimes before I drink that stuff. It doesn't settle well on an empty stomach."

I shook my head then nodded. "I didn't eat. I was busy when I got home. Homework, a shower, and some other homework," I lied. More like I was too invested in looking good for the party.

"Oh, here's your shirt back," I said holding out the folded shirt to him.

The raven pushed it back to me, shaking his head. "Keep it. I can't wear it anymore anyway," he said.

Inwardly, I squealed and thought, Sweet! You smell so good anyway. I'll gladly keep it.

For a few moments, we stayed quiet until finally Phil began to talk, "I was thinking we could hang out some more. Maybe tonight?"

My eyes grew wide then I nodded. "Yeah! We should. We can play rockband or DDR at my house if you want. Maybe have a sleepover?" I suggested. I found myself slowly staring into Phil's eyes as we talked. Usually when I talked to people, I never could look at them or I'd get too nervous, but Phil was so easy to talk to. He seemed so kind and caring underneath his strange, dark facade.

Phil held the cup to his lips, sucking at the green straw. Upon swallowing, he nodded and said, "Yeah. We could do that together. What time should I come over?"

I put a hand on my chin in thought. "How about five? My mum has a meeting tonight and my dad is away on a business meeting, so she usually leaves money for us to order pizza or whatever we want," I told Phil

"That sounds perfect. I love pizza," the bluey-green eyed boy told me.

I sipped at the straw to distract myself from commenting on his eyes. He was beautiful to me. I swallowed and watched him pull out a cigarette and that lighter again. However, I caught sight of something on Phil's wrist, a bandaid.

"Did you hurt yourself last night bringing me in?" I asked curiously.

His eyes seemed to harden rather quickly. "No," he replied.

I bit my lower lip harshly. "What happened?"

Phil sucked in a breath. He shook his head, saying, "Hey, I'll see you tonight. I have to go run some errands before five. I'll see you later, okay?"

I watched him get up and leave Starbucks, but the whole time I thought, Phil, what are you hiding from me? From everyone?

I left Starbucks, went home, and called my mum up about having Phil stay over.

"That's wonderful, darling. Remember, the money is on the counter so you can order pizza, Chinese, Indian, or whatever. I won't be home until ten, so I won't bother you boys!" Mum said joyously on the phone.

"Oh, don't worry. We're just going to play games in the lounge," I told her. "I'll see you later. Love you. Bye."

I hung up as the thoughts filled my head, Phil Lester was going to be at my house in approximately four hours. No need to panic. Do. Not. Panic.

Panicking, I ran around the house cleaning anything that needed it until my brother came over to me with a raised brow. Why the hell did he always greet me with a raised brow. What the fuck?

"Boyfriend coming over?" he asked, picking up a banana from the fruit basket. He peeled it and took a large bite from it, almost mockingly.

"No- He's not my boyfriend. It's Phil Lester," I said angrily.

"Oh. You're letting the Phil Lester stay at our house? I heard from one of my friends that you kissed him last night at a party. Is that true? Because I have a picture," Adrian informed me, holding out his phone. On the screen was a picture of me liplocking with Phil; Phil's arms were draped around my waist.

I stared at it agape. "Are you- delete that now!" I shouted.

"I'm not deleting it unless you do my chores for a month, which means washing my dishes and dirty laundry," Adrian said, teasingly shaking the phone at me.

It took me a minute to think this through. If I were to do these chores for a month, that means I'd be subjected to washing Adrian's disgusting laundry but at least no one would see the picture. Fine.

"Fine. Deal, but that means don't bother us tonight," I said with my arms crossed over my chest. "I'll give you a bottle of alcohol too and tell mum we drank it."

A smile erupted on Adrian's lips as he said, "Deal."

I sighed as I watched him walk off with the banana, talking quite loudly, "Oh, Phil!"

Inwardly, I killed him seven times with a knife.


	7. Chapter 7: Simple as This

Sorry for the long wait. There has been a lot going on, but if you would like to follow/like my facebook page. I keep people updated on things: PepsiTigress/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

You will have to remove the space between the dash and PepsiTigress

* * *

It was finally Phil time. I had cleaned everything from the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and the living room, but it did not feel like enough. My mind was running a million miles a minute all day after I saw him earlier. I had to prepare for him that evening. Everything had to be perfect! Besides, cleaning actually helped to ease my nerves, funny enough. I had never liked cleaning, but if it kept my mind off the fact that Phil Lester was actually coming over to my house, then it was good enough for me! The moment I heard the doorbell ring, my heart leaped out of my chest and into my throat. I went to the door, opened it, and looked at the male in front of me. I swallowed, licking my lips gently. My mouth had gone dry.

"Hello," Phil said with a confused look on his face. He held a blue duffel bag in one hand along with a blue and green pillow in the other.

I moved back to let him in saying, "Hey. I ordered a pizza. It should be here any minute. I got bacon and pepperoni, and we have soda in the fridge." My fingers shook terribly as I reached over to shut the door with a click of the lock. I watched him look around before those ocean-green eyes met mine.

"Where am I staying?" he asked.

"Oh, in my room," I answered a little faster than I had intended. I walked him down the hallway to my door, opening it to reveal my weeb-ass room. I had set out the cot next to my closet so he could lay there instead of the floor. He stepped over to the bed, sat his pillow on the bed, and his duffel went to the floor.

Before I could say anything in this awkward silence, the doorbell rang. Without thinking, I shoved the money in Phil's hands and said, "Pay him. I'll get us drinks."

I was not too fond of answering the door or making phone calls. I typically would send my brother to the door so I could avoid having any awkward situations with anyone. It was an awful habit of mine. One I knew I'd someday have to break if I ever wanted to have a social life. Phil shrugged before heading out to retrieve the pizza. I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that was one less stress on my plate, and headed to the kitchen.

With the pizza acquired, we began to mindlessly play many of my favorite games that I had on hand like Mario Kart, Call of Duty, and Guitar Hero. When I offered a guitar to Phil, a mischievous smile formed on his lips. I raised a brow in pure confusion.

"We should have a competition. Two out of three; Winner gets to do whatever they want to the loser," Phil explained.

I stared at him with the guitar in hand. I didn't even know what Phil meant. What would Phil do if he did win? Surely it would be something utterly humiliating. I wasn't sure if I'd win for sure, but I knew I would have a definite win if it were DDR. I found myself smirking, which made Phil's cheeks turn a slight shade of pink. He was blushing!

"I'll take you up on the offer, but we should play DDR if you want a real competition," I told him. I took the guitar from him and began to set up the mats. Once everything was set up, I pointed to Phil's mat.

"It's not hard. You just follow the arrows and you mash your feet on those buttons," I explained with ease.

I picked out a song then we both began to move to the beat. Phil wasn't terrible but he was not as good as me. I seemed to have almost forgotten what I was doing because when I glanced at the scores, Phil was one hundred points ahead of me. Not much, but how could I have been so careless? I had focused too much on Phil!

When the song finally ended, Phil had won. He gave me a cheeky smile, while I gave him a pout in return. I rolled my eyes at his smug little grin.

"Just you wait. I'll put it on the hardest level."

The two of us played two more rounds of DDR, and Phil somehow beat me. Although, I was constantly looking over at him, so I wasn't really on top of my game like usual. However, despite losing, I learned something new about him. Phil was a lip biter whilst concentrating, and it made me want to win even more every time I saw it, like I had some burning desire to impress him with my DDR skills.

I walked over to the couch, picked up my bottle of water, and took a few swallows.

"I guess I get to do whatever I want with you," Phil said as he shoved a slice of pizza in his mouth.

The water tickled my throat and I began to force it back up, hearing Phil's comment. I choked on it for a moment and coughed my lungs up until finally I was able to muster out, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I won so...this means that I can tell you what to do. So with that said, Dan, I want you to kiss me, again," Phil answered me with a sly grin.


	8. Chapter 8: Kiss Me Slowly

Sorry for the delayed chapter update. I'll be moving in with my aunt and uncle a month from today, so I've been packing up a lot of my things! Then this morning, my boss passed away from stage four cancer this morning.

I have the next chapter all planned out, just not written. Thanks for sticking with me, muffins. 3

~Tigress

* * *

"I mean, I won so...this means that I can tell you what to do. So with that said, Dan, I want you to kiss me, again." Phil's words continued to echo in my ears, as if they hadn't actually been said just now and I was imagining it. I had to be imagining it. Phil Lester did not just ask me to kiss him on purpose. An accident was one thing, but to kiss him for real? I licked my lips as a nervous laugh escaped my mouth.

I glanced at Phil, smiling, before managing to say. "Are you serious? I mean, I-I didn't really, well, maybe I did mean to, but I didn't intend on kissing you at the party! I swear! I-I'm not gay-"

"I'm not gay either," he interrupted me, stepping closer to me until our faces were a few inches from each other.

"I'm bisexual." Phil whispered. His hot breath tickled my lips from the closeness. Before I could stop myself, I moved closer until I felt soft, warm lips against mine. I kissed him for a brief second, but immediately pulled away in slight fear.

"Dan," Phil whispered, his hand sliding onto my hip, "just kiss me. Don't be scared."

A deliciously warm shiver ran through my heart as Phil said it. I grabbed the paler boy's hand and lead him to my room. Each step we took, he found a way to sneak a kiss on my lips.

Typically when I kissed a girl, I felt nothing. No spark. No warmth. No yearning. However, kissing Phil sent warmth into my body. It felt right. This felt normal, like there was no problem with him also being a boy. As we came to a stop right outside my closed door, I wrapped my arms around Phil's neck, kissing him deeply. It was like there was a silver cord that wrapped around the two of us. A silver cord of fate. One that would never break and would always tie the two of us together. I knew it. I just knew it was.

I refused to leave Phil's mouth as I felt around for the doorknob behind me, until my fingers brushed it. I rolled the knob, opened my door, and we nearly fell back into my room. We pulled apart just for a moment to look at each other, Phil shut the bedroom door. I swallowed and licked at my swelling lips, my cheeks were burning with heat. He was beautiful. I couldn't get over it.

Phil stepped over, wrapped his arms around my waist, and pecked my nose.

"Dan, you always surprise me. When I first met you in person, I thought you were just a quiet kid, who just stayed in the background, but you have so much to say and you're fun to be around. I've watched you ever since you came in the school, but not in a creepy stalker way I promise. I'd see you walking the halls with some people, or I'd see you going to lunch. Hell, I even saw the bullies picking on you. By the way, you're a strong guy for just being a Sophomore."

A small laugh escaped my mouth."I guess so. When everyone picks on you at school, or at home, you just learn to not say anything back," I said looking away from Phil's gaze.

A hand went to my cheek while he thumbed under my right eye. "I'm here for you," he told me.

I swallowed then pulled away. "I want to stop before we get too far," I told Phil firmly.

He nodded at me. "Sure. I don't mind waiting for you. I'll wait for as long as I have to."

The two of us laid there together until I fell asleep with my head on his chest while his hand rubbed small circles on my back. For the first time in months, I finally slept soundly.


	9. Author's Info: Updating

p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Hello, sweet loves, I am sorry for lack updates! I am now comfortably moved and settled in my aunt and uncle's house for now, so I hope to attempt an update this week. I have been applying for jobs and attending a few career fairs. I hope to update more frequently now that I am away from a toxic living style, and able to write freely without any sort of inconveniences of any kind./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Thank you for staying here! It means a lot3/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"I love you all so very much. /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"With love,/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Tigress~ /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"xxx/p 


	10. Chapter 9: Loser

So much time had passed between Phil and I that it was almost a blur, but such a wonderful blur. I would get picked up in the morning by Phil, at lunch I would eat with him, and after school, I would go with Mrs. Goldberry for thirty minutes to have piano practice, and after I'd step out the door, Phil would be standing outside the door, waiting for me. It made me look forward to each day, but there was on thing that bothered me the most out of everything: Every Wednesday, Phil would have to go somewhere at three. When I asked him, he just jokingly said he was going to see my mum. I didn't think he was seeing anyone, but it was so odd and suspsicious. Where was he going?

My thin, piano-like fingers strummed over the last few notes of Ocean Eyes while I softly hummed to it. I looked up at the golden haired woman and said, "I want to sing and perform this to someone I care about, but I want this to be perfect."

Mrs. Goldberry nodded at me. "I believe you can do it. It's not a very hard song to sing," she replied. "Why don't you try?"

My cheeks heated slightly then I nodded, thrumming my fingers along the keys once more. I wetted my lips and began to sing, "I've been watching you for some time. Can't stop staring at those oceans eyes. Burning cities and napalm skies. Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes; Your ocean eyes."

I would have continued to sing more, but I heard a small clapping from behind us. Immediately a voice said, "So this is what you've been working on."

Phil.

My fingers instantly felt like icicles; It was like Hell froze over in just .02 seconds. Instantly, I turned around and stuttered out, "Well, yeah, I've been working on this for a while-"

"You have a beautiful voice, and your piano playing is just as wonderful," Phil said stepping over to us.

I swallowed hard as Mrs. Goldberry asked, "Oh, is this the young man that waits for you, Daniel?"

I nodded. "Yes," I replied almost too quietly.

I quickly walked over to Phil, saying, "Let's go. I'm already done anyway."

Without much to say, I told Mrs. Goldberry thanks and the two of us left the room, walking down the hallway together.

Stopping at the doors, I looked to Phil with a small smile. "Uh, there's a fair in town tonight, would you want to go?" I asked despite the embarrassing encounter in the music room.

I watched his fingers flex over the backstrap then his eyes, the lovely blue color sparking instantly, looked to mine. "Sure. I'll pay for this little date," Phil told me with a wink.

My face heated up once again while I tried to say, Thanks, but all that came out was, "You don't have to." I thought to myself, _Sometimes the reason I'm so tongue tied is because my brain moves a mile a minute when he's around me. Phil Lester is my hero._

Without warning, Phil leaned down and captured my lips with his. Instinctively, my arm wrapped around his neck to pull him closer to my mouth. I did not care that we were making out by the doors of the academy. Our lips clashed together like the sun and moon, we both battled for dominance while I was pushed to the brick wall.

I may have forgotten to add that this was another thing that happened quite often, the two of would be halfway out the door but then Phil or I would start kissing each other as if we'd never see each other again. Yet, we never were caught, or no teacher really wanted to break us apart. I didn't know.

I pulled back from him, panting slightly with winded cheeks. "Let's go, Phil," I said lacing my hands through his. The two of us walked to his car, he opened my door, and I got in the car, but I was quickly given another kiss. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. I kissed him back with the same pressure and he kissed me a little harder, steadying himself with a hand on the chair while his other was on the dashboard.

Before I could even pull back again, Phil's teeth dug into my lower lip and a soft, content sigh elicited from my parted lips. The temptation to pull Phil's shirt off was there, but we were in the school parking lot. That would not be how he wanted to lose his virginity.

As if Phil caught on, he moved back with a winded smile. "Let's go to the fair," he told me.

* * *

The loud screams of passengers echoed throughout the park as the rollercoaster nearby took a fast turn, and the smell of corndogs, candy floss, and funnel cakes filled my nostrils. My stomach grumbled quietly, but I knew if I ate now and got on a ride, I'd lose it all.

I looked over at Phil, who wore a pair of black skinny jeans, black Converse, and a black shirt with a DJ cat on the front, purchased two wrists bands for the rides. He turned to me after he handed the woman the money and slid the band along my wrist, taping it on me. He squeezed my hand with a smile.

"What should we ride first?" he asked me.

"Uh, how about that?" I asked, pointing to the rollercoaster that was called Monster Madness. "It looks pretty fast."

The two of us rode almost every single roller coaster or anything that looked thrilling until we finally decided it was time to get something to eat. I loved rollercoasters. They gave me such a lovely adrenaline rush that I could ride them all over again! Phil was perfect for me. He loved them just as much me! We both had similar opinions on the rides about if they were 'Ace', as he said, or shit!

We stopped at a stand that sold cheeseburgers, chips, and a soda, and the two of us found ourselves sitting in the grass together. I dipped the large chip in ketchup as a laugh escaped my lips, "You should have seen that girl when we got off. She almost threw up on her boyfriend!"

It seemed like the word boyfriend made Phil freeze up mid-chomp of his burger. I cocked a brow looking at him.

"What?" I asked, licking my lips free of ketchup.

The raven wiped his lips with a napkin and replied, "It's nothing. Hey, when we're done, do you want to ride the ferris wheel together?"

I nodded eagerly, shoving a few more chips in my mouth. "That sounds like a good idea. I think that can be the last ride," I replied a little sadly.

As if he caught on, Phil quickly said, "We can ride anything until the entire place shuts down."

I gave him a crooked smile. "Phil Lester, you are my savior," I replied.

He finished eating before me, so while he waited, I watched him light a cigarette. He hadn't been smoking nearly as much since we started hanging out, but I only noticed because of our more intimate moments. I didn't really taste smoke on him as much, which was good. I'd like it if the boy in front of me stayed alive with me for as long as he could.

I finished off my burger and tossed the trash in the waste bin, and the two of us walked hand-in-hand to the ferris wheel. We stood in line together as a group of kids from our school walked over, which made me want to extract my hand from Phil's. I didn't want them to make fun of me even more. As if Phil caught on, he grabbed hold of my hand again, squeezing it.

I heard a kid mumble, "Faggots," which brought Phil's attention to them for just a brief second. He hated confrontation as much as I did, so instead of saying anything to them he looked to me. Our eyes connected as he said, "We're just losers, but being a loser with you doesn't suck. I'd rather be a loser with you than be alone." He leaned over and kissed my lips again.

I heard the people talking but I paid them no mind. It did not matter anymore. Phil was all that mattered anymore. If I had to be a loser for the rest of my life, at least I'd be with my loser boyfriend- best friend forever. Best friends that kissed each other, that is.

Soon, the two of us were on the ferris wheel, hand-in-hand. I rest my head on his shoulder while I thought to myself, _I don't want this night to end..._ I shut my eyes for a moment, taking the warmth in from the male beside me until the ferris wheel came to a stop, right at the very top.

I sat up quickly and looked to Phil. "Phil...are we together?" I asked him.

Phil looked back to me for a few seconds then he nodded. "I'd love to be your boyfriend, if you'll be mine," he said.

Suddenly, I pressed a kiss to his lips, and he kissed me back right as a burst of fireworks went off. It was almost embarrassing. Like someone out there knew that two losers were kissing each other on the ferris wheel. Oh, well. I was with someone that meant a lot to me. I never thought this boy would mean so much to me. Not in a million years.


	11. Chapter 10: Pillowtalk

**Sorry for the seriously long update! I've been busy working my job as a CNA, which is 40 hours a week and then some (because of overtime). I hope this update is good for you 3 Consider this a treat to you all! It's so close to October, which means, October 19, I'll turn 22 and then Halloween!**

 **Enjoy3**

* * *

Phil dropped me off on my front porch, our hands tightly held with our forehead's pressed together. I felt like a giddy school girl who was eagerly awaiting the next morning just to see the love of her life, which it was true no doubt. I kissed Phil a few times on the mouth, whispering, "Can you come inside?"

Phil seemed to tense as my fingers trailed up to his forearm, as if I was hurting him in some way. I raised a curious brow, asking him, "Philly? What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing," he finally replied to me, pecking my forehead. "I'd come inside, but I have to go home for the night."

I pouted in disappointment but I couldn't force him to stay for the night, maybe tomorrow. My arms draped around the back of his neck while I rubbed my cheek against Phil's. "I'll see you tomorrow."

We parted after another kiss.

* * *

The buzzing and ringing of my phone would not stop as I rolled over with a groggy moan. I reached over for my phone, knocking it over with my hand to the floor. Another grunt escaped my lips as I was in search for my cellular device on the cold floor until my fingertips brushed it. Picking it up, I saw that I had five missed calls from Phil and two texts; it was only 11:30 AM. I tapped in my code and the screen unlocked.

In order the texts read:

Dan, can you come see me at 10?

Hey, call me. I'm worried.

Odd, Phil knew I kind of overslept all the time. Hm. I texted him back and received an instant reply:

Hey, Phil. I was sleeping lol. What's up?

Come over to my house.

I hopped out of bed, changed, and took a quick bath of cologne, exiting my house in a matter of moments, but my mom stopped me.

"Daniel James Howell," came my mother's stern voice.

Shit.

I turned to face her with an innocent smile. "Yes, mom?"

She looked irate. Her arms crossed over her chest with that stern look on her face. "You were supposed to be home before ten. What happened? Adrian told me you were out with a friend. What friend tells you to disobey your mother?" she demanded, holding out her palm.

"Mom, it's just Phil. He didn't mean to keep me out late. I promise. We got busy at the carnival and when we got back, it was late-" I tried to explain to her.

"Give me your phone. It's mine for a week. No going out past seven," she demanded, fingers curling in and out for the phone.

My heart began to beat against my chest while everything inside of me seemed to numb, my face draining. "Mom, please don't. This isn't fair! Adrian get's away with everything-"

"Daniel, give it to me, or I'll make it two weeks!" she shouted.

"Cool, whatever! Now, I have to go," I said handing over my phone.

"No. Today, you are going to work on that maths homework that I've been getting phone calls about. All I ask of you is a C, but you continue bringing home F's," she said with a disappointed shake of her head.

"Mom, no! Phil's going to think-"

"I'm sure Phil will understand when you explain to him tomorrow at school," my mom said.

With a heavy sigh, I walked to my mom and for the rest of the day I tried to work on my homework, but my mind was on Phil only. I was lovesick, but how could I not be? We just decided to become official last night and that's all I could think about last night.

"Adrian, I need another favor," I told my younger brother when my mom and dad had finally laid down for bed.

My brother looked over his shoulder and paused his game. "What is it?" he asked me.

I breathed in through my mouth and let the air rush through my nostrils. "I need you to cover my ass. I have to go see Phil, and mom won't let me go anywhere unless it's school related. If she gets up any time, can you just tell her that I'm in bed, or that I'm taking a bath in the bathroom?"

"For fifty pounds," Adrian replied nonchalantly, holding out his palm.

Fishing into my wallet, I pulled out twenty five pounds. "I'll give you the other half when I come back and mom doesn't notice," I tell him.

"Deal, but bring me back a milkshake with maltesers in it sometime," he told me, returning himself to his videogame.

After preparing the bathroom with High School Musical music and a locked door, I had the key pressed against my chest on a necklace, I left the house on my skateboard. It wasn't a hard or long trip, but when I got there, I was breathless. Exercise should be banned for life!

I walked up the sidewalk to see Phil's small house, which must have had an upstairs and down because of how tall it was. I would have circled the house like some creeper to find Phil's window, but I wasn't going to sneak in the window and watch him sleep. Thankfully, the lights were on, so I knocked three times on the front door.

The door opened to reveal a friendly looking woman with medium length brown hair, friendly eyes, and a warm smile. "You must be Daniel. Philip said you'd be here, but he didn't think it would be this late. Come right in. He's upstairs in the last door on the right," she told me, allowing me inside the home that had such a different air to my own. The cozy smell of clean linen was everywhere, and the soft sound of television could be heard from the living room. My house was so different, so much more dull and unpleasant.

"Thank you," I told her with a happy smile.

Making my way up the stairs, I couldn't help but glance at the pictures on the walls of their family of four: Phil's mom, dad, himself, and brother. They were a family that seemed to be always smiling and in a good mood. If only my family would be like this, I though as I came to the hallway. I made my way to his door, knocked twice, and moved away. When the door opened, Phil stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, and an upset look on his face.

"Phil, I can explain. My mom took my phone and told me I was grounded. I gave my brother fifty pounds- twenty five first, but I'm giving him money so I could sneak out and see you! Please don't be upset with me!" I pleaded to him.

Before I could say much more, Phil pulled me into a warm embrace, kissing me hard on the mouth with love and passion. He dragged me into the room, slammed the door, and pressed me into the said door. His hands pushed under my ass until he was wrapping my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, kissing each other like we would never see each other ever again. His tongue seemed to slither along my lower lip while it shoved my mouth open. I moaned as his tongue rolled with mine, trying to explore my mouth.

I pulled away just enough to breathlessly whisper out his name, his mouth claiming my neck with hot, wet kisses and bites. The way his teeth sank into my neck sent a hot liquid to the pit of my stomach, pooling there like someone had turned some facet on. I clutched the back of his head, whispering to him again, "I love you so much, Phil." If this was how I'd be greeted after not talking to him for almost ten hours, I'd do it more often.

I felt one of his hands reach around me to lock the bedroom door, and he carried me over to his bed, which was cool on my back having not been laid on until now. I sat up on my elbows to capture his lips with mine just for second since he pulled back to yank off my shirt with a fluid motion. When my fingers trailed to Phil's shirt, he seemed to tense up, like something was wrong. "Phil, may I take your shirt off?" I whispered to him.

He sucked in a breath and said, "Yes.."

I carefully pulled his shirt off to see that there were scars on his lower stomach and inner, upper arm. I did not say anything about it, but I did press a gentle kiss to his chest. He opened his mouth, continuing to talk, "I haven't self-harmed in over a year, and the reason I sometimes cannot see you straight after school is because I see my doctor. Over a year ago, I attempted suicide, but before it transpired, my mum walked in and immediately she got me the help I needed. I bought that lighter, that says LIGHT on it, because it wasn't just my first word, it was the one thing that I saw that flashed before my eyes. It's a reminder that I'm still alive and that I'm lucky."

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Dan, the doctors think that you're helping my health and I fully agree with them," he whispered to me.

"You've helped me in more ways than you thought, too," I told him as tears formed in my eyes.

Our conversation quieted for some time until Phil finally got back up, beginning to kiss at my neck again. "I'm going to make this a good night for the both of us," he told me against my ear. His hot breath tickled my ear causing a shiver to roll down my spine.

Our kisses increased once more, moaning and whispering sweet nothings to each other. A hand slid down to my hip while it dipped down inside of my jeans to feel the incoming bulge, which grew harder at the touch of Phil. I shut my eyes while my hips inched upwards to get closer to his hand. "Phil," I whispered to him.

The raven pressed a kiss to the side of my mouth as he gently pulled off my pants and boxers, along with his own. We stared at each other in awe for what seemed like forever but only seconds. "You're beautiful," I whispered to Phil, running a hand up and down Phil's shoulder.

"So are you," he told me, climbing on top of me.

It did not last long because I instantly rolled us over so I was on top. I shimmied down to where his dick was, giving it a gentle, nervous kiss. I hadn't ever done this before, but it was like an instinct. I kind of knew what to do. With nimble fingers, I took hold of his shaft and licked at the tip, my tongue swirling around the head while I heard Phil gasping out with pleasure. A hand pushed into my hair as I slowly took the raven's dick in my mouth as much as I could. I let out a small breath from my nose, bobbing my head a little slow at first until Phil began to thrust in my mouth, which made me move faster.

It had to have been five minutes or more until Phil's fingers tightened so hard in my hair and he came in my mouth, the taste of Phil filling my mouth. I knew he was releasing, but I wanted to experience the taste, which wasn't deliciuos, but it wasn't disgusting either. He immediately pulled me up and kissed me roughly, our hips connecting just as fast as he had moved me. The blue eyed male's teeth yanked at my lower lip, whispering out here and there that he loved me and that he wanted more.

I was definitely okay with that. More than okay to lose my virginity to my boyfriend, best friend. He rolled me over this time, and I let him, while he grabbed the pina colada lubricant. I watched him squeeze a strip or so on his finger then it disappeared, but I knew it where it was the moment I felt the ice cold liquid touch my ass. I jumped slightly but Phil softly whispered to me, "It's okay. I promise I won't hurt you."

A finger wriggled inside of me, which felt so weird at first then a second followed, which kind of hurt until he was thrusting his fingers faster. It didn't feel good until finally they hit a spot and a moan rolled out of my mouth. I reached down in search of Phil's hand, whining out louder. "Phil, right there!" I cried to him.

He moved them for a few more minutes then extracted them. I watched him climb over me to grab a condom and the lube once again. After pulling the condom on himself and applying the lubricant, he leaned down and kissed my lips. "Just tell me if it hurts, okay?" he insisted.

I nodded right as I felt his head enter me then it was all the way inside of me. I made him stop because the pain was so excruciating that I had tears falling out of my eyes, but he did not seem to mind. "Phil, I'll be fine. You can move," I told him, but he shook his head a few times.

"Dan, are you sure?" he asked me.

"Yes, I'm sure. Please," I said.

Giving me just another minute to adjust myself, he began to thrust inside of me, in and out as slowly as he could. The pleasure was beginning to take over the pain, but I needed him to move faster. "Please, just go faster," I pleaded.

He gave me a brief nod, beginning to move much faster for me, which was answered with a moan from my throat. It felt amazing. I knew I had to be slightly quiet because of his parents, but the pleasure- this pleasure was crazy. I hadn't ever felt this way before, not ever. I needed more of it. I reached down beginning to touch myself while Phil's mouth attached to mine, our lips dancing with each others while he thrust inside of me.

I could feel himself throbbing already inside but I did not care. It was just what we needed. This had just erased everything that had happened today. It did not matter if I didn't have my phone because I was with Phil, and Phil and I had each other. We were two peas in a pod, the sun and the moon, and, best of all, Dan and Phil. We were in love and nothing could ruin this moment that we were sharing together.

"Dan!" he practically screamed in my ear as he began to thrust as fast as he could, my legs moving so they were tilted up in the air slightly.

"Phil!" I cried in return as white shot out of me, onto myself and Phil's stomach.

Phil rode out his orgasm, panting and filling the condom. He leaned over and kissed me when he finally settled, laying next to me on the bed. We curled up to each other, hiding under the covers together. "I love you," Phil whispered.

"I love you, too, " I whispered back. "Why did you want to see me today anyway?"

He shook his head a little. "It doesn't matter now. You're here now and everything is okay," he told me. He pulled me close to his chest, kissing the top of my forehead despite it being so sweaty.

I shut my eyes, telling myself I'd get up early in the morning before my mum and dad and get home, but the last thing I heard from Phil was, "You're the light of my life, bear."


	12. Chapter 12: Tomorrow Never Came

I woke with the soft trill of my alarm. I reluctantly turned it off, sat up, and rubbed at my tired eyes. It was so early but I had to get home before mum noticed that I was gone. When I went to stand, a pair of warm arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back. A quiet mumble could be heard from below me, "Please don't go."

"I'll see you at school in just a few hours anyway," I told him with a smile despite the heartbreak that went through my body. The heavy led traveled to the very pits of my stomach as I swallowed another large square of led down my throat. "I promise." Leaning over, I pressed a delicate kiss to his lips, got up and dressed myself, and sneaked back to my house.

The hardest part was exactly where I was standing. I had to climb back up the side of my houses wall and get inside without making a loud noise. I grabbed hold of the garden ladder, being just as quiet as I had mumbled to myself over and over until I reached my window. I pushed the window up as quietly as possible, climbed inside despite my long ass legs, and got inside without any kind of alarming sound. Shutting the window, I crawled back into my own bed, cold and without Phil. I shut my eyes but sleep never seemed to come because all I could think about was having sex with Phil, and the fact that Uma Thurman, on Phil's poster, watched the whole thing.

* * *

I arrived late to school. It was not unsual but it was my mum's fault! She forgot she had taken my phone so when eight rolled around, she bursted into my room and scared the shit out of me! She drove me to school and everything, but it was as though everything was unexpectedly happening. When I went to my class around 8:45, news was going around that Phil wasn't at school. I sat through Mr. Geysler's class, anxiously tapping my foot and playing with my pencils. It worried me that Phil wasn't here. It wasn't like him. Ever since we began to hang out, Phil never missed a day! He was keen on hanging out with me and we'd always text each other when we could, or pass notes.

When I was released from that class, I headed to Phil's locker right as Damien stopped me in my tracks. He turned me around saying, "I hope you won't mind missing the rest of your day, because Phil wants to see you."

Not that I didn't want to see Phil, but why would Damien stop me?

"Um, okay, but where is he?" I questioned the male in front of me.

"He wants to meet you at the park bench by Shake-away," Damien told me. He handed me an envelope. "I'd take you, but I have detention after school."

Before I could question this, I opened the envelope to see a letter that had been typed out. It read:

 _Dan,_

 _Meet me at shake-away at noon. I'll be there._

 _Phil._

I tucked the envelope and letter in my pocket, walking away from the school quickly before any teacher would catch me.

On my walk to shake-away, I stopped in front of a window that belonged to a trinket store. In the window was a set of lighters, each had different words on them. I stepped inside and decided to look around as I found the perfect lighter for Phil. I purchased it, got it gift-wrapped, and quickly walked out.

I took a seat on the bench that sat right in front of shake-away with a bag from McDonalds in my hands. It was a bit early but I didn't want to miss Phil or show up late. I wished I had my phone. I could text Phil and ask him if he'd be coming soon, or why he wanted to meet me here. It didn't make sense truthfully.

I leaned back into the bench while I watched couples traipse by with smiles on their faces, holding hands. I wanted to be like that with Phil. I wanted to walk down the pavement with our hands together and just pretend that no one was watching. Maybe he could.

Suddenly, pregnant clouds began to form above me accompanied by a small rumble of thunder. I didn't want to leave, but I didn't have an umbrella. Shit. Right as I stood, the rain began to pour from the sky in large drops. I sighed and began to turn around to find refuge when a hand tugged on mine.

"Hey, whatcha doing?" asked a familiar voice.

"Phil?" I said turning to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck even though the rain continued to pour onto us. "I've been waiting here just like you said."

"I'm glad," Phil said giving me a loving smile. "I was going to go to school, but I thought that today would be a good day for you and I to spend together."

"We do that every day," I said with a quirked brow.

"I know, but if I had my way you would always stay and we'd never have to say good bye," he told me with love in his blue eyes.

He pecked me on the mouth then pulled away. The two of us walked away from shake-away into the rain together. When we stopped, we sat inside a Starbucks with a hot chocolate beside the fireplace. I took a large gulp of the warm chocolate which seemed to spread throughout my entire body like fire. It was heavenly.

"Phil, I have to give you something," I told him. "I know you have that lighter, and I would like it if you wouldn't smoke, but its this." I handed him the small black box that held the lighter inside.

When Phil took the lighter out and read the word: LUCKY. He asked me, "What did you get me this one for?"

I took in a hefty breath, smiling, "Because I was lucky to meet you. I want you to always feel lucky to still be here, and I hope you feel the same."

He pulled me into a side hug, kissing my forehead. "Daniel Howell, you never cease to amaze me," he told me.

"You never cease to amaze me either, Philip Lester," I said looking up at him.

"So when am I going to hear that song?"

"You'll hear it when it's time to," I told him.

"On a serious note...I brought you here to explain some things," Phil started. "When we met that day, I was tempted to commit suicide. Yes, I haven't self harmed in a long time, but I was having such a rough start. It wasn't like anyone did anything, it was my own monster inside of me. Yet, when our hands seemed to almost touch, it was like you were my light...my lucky charm. I still get those thoughts, but ever since I decided on therapy, I've been so much better and I'm going to thank you for that.

"You've given me that drive to stay alive, Dan," he told me with a tight grip on my hand. "You're the best thing that's ever happened and I don't want to ever separate unless you say it."

I gave him a tight hug, kissed him on the cheek, and kept my hand in his. "You've done stuff for me too, Phil. I used to hate everything about myself, too, but then you taught me that there are people that love you and would do anything for you. Thank you," I said.

We finished our drinks in silence, but our hands were held tightly to each others. We gave each other a kiss, stood up, and walked out the door. I knew I'd be in trouble for skipping school, but it was well worth it. I wouldn't ever regret doing this with him. Not ever. Phil and I looked both ways and began to cross the street right as a loud honk was heard in my ears followed by a loud screech of tire. The last thing I heard was the shout of my name and screaming of nearby people.


	13. Chapter 13: Ways to Go

To expect everything to hurt wasn't an exaggeration, however, nothing came to me. I thought that everything was over and that I was dead. No longer would I get to spend my lovely summers or holidays with Phil Lester. We would never share another passionate kiss together and exchange an "I love you." That's what I thought until I opened an eye to see that Phil was holding onto me, tightly. He wasn't hurt either!

I looked this way and that with my milky brown eyes to take in that the car before us had came to a unexpected halting stop. I let out a relieved sigh, "Fuck...What if that had hit me? I would have been a pancake."

Phil shook his head and pulled me close to his chest. "Dan, don't say that! I could have lost you!" he breathed out. A wetness was forming on my shirt as Phil held even tighter to me. The driver had gotten out, came over, and began to ask us if we were okay.

I nodded with a soft sigh. "Yeah. We're fine. I'm sorry for stepping in front of you," I told the man, who did not look angry. More scared than anything. I would be scared too if some lanky teen just stepped in front of him like he was aiming to kill himself.

The man gave us both a look over once again then he said, "Watch where you're going. You may not be so lucky."

The two of us made our way to Phil's house, not letting go of each other. Once in Phil's room, we held onto each other while watching whatever was on the telly. After a while, Phil spoke, "My first thought was to protect you even if meant dying! Usually I'm the one to just walk into the street, but there you were doing that."

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking about you and then..yeah..." I said.

I gave him a kiss on the lips and we stayed in each others arms for the rest of the day.

* * *

I rolled over as my alarm screamed at me to wake the hell up for the last day of the school year. I rubbed at my tired brown eyes to hopefully wipe away the groggy feeling, but it did not seem to be working in the very least. I checked my phone for any text.

 **Philly**

 **Good morning! :* I'll pick u up after school.**

A smile formed on my lips as I read the message like a dork. Immediately, I stood up and grabbed hold of my black trousers, blue boxers, white button up, a black dress coat, and a red tie. The emblem of St. John's patch rest on the right of my breast and on the upper right side of my arm.

I skipped down the stairs with a smile still on my face as I came over to my mum. I gave her a hug while taking my lunch bag from her hands. "Thanks, mum! I'll see you later! Going to Phil's after school!"

The moment I stepped onto the courtyard, the jocks played a game of ball toss, like always. I thought I would be pummeled any minute, but they actually seemed to notice my passing as I ducked under. One shouted my name to pass the ball, but I shook my hand. "No thanks," I shouted with confidence. Steven, the one that had offered the ball, smirked some but ran past me.

I glanced over at the beautiful Courtney Cadbury then shook my head. I still thought she was beautiful, but I was still grateful for that ball throw on my first day back of school. She was applying lipstick when the ball ended up landing in her lap. She let out a shout of surprise, "Watch it!"

With a happy sigh, I headed to Mr. Geysler's class. It did not matter that it was the last day to him, he was still teaching like normal. No one payed much attention, but it didn't matter. I kept checking my phone for any text from Phil. He had just graduated last Friday and it was the happiest I'd ever seen him minus our agreement to move in with each other when I graduated.

Before long, it was lunch and then it was already time to go! As much as I had wanted to run outside to be greeted by Phil, I had one more thing to do. I made my way down the hall as fast as I could to Mrs. Golding's room. When I entered the room, she was packing away everything from the inside of her desk, including pictures.

"Oh, Dan," she said with a surprised smile.

"What's going on?" I asked her, gesturing to the box of her things.

She shook her head then leaned on the chalkboard behind her. "I was offered a job elsewhere and I took it," she told me.

I felt my body freeze up for just a moment but then I gave her a smile. "That's great to hear. I hope you like it," I told her, handing her an envelope. It had a thank you card inside with a picture of me and her.

She gave me a quick hug and said, "Stay safe and have a good summer. Better hurry or Phil will worry."

"How did-"

"I just know. You wear that smile and confidence when he's not around," she said smiling from ear to ear.

I shrugged a bit but the smile never left. "Okay, well, see ya!"

I ran down the halls and the school doors, coming to a complete stop when I saw Phil parked outside. He waved me over with a few honks. I made my way over, climbed inside, gave him a kiss on the lips, and said, "I've missed you all day, so take me to my best friends house."

"And who would that be?" Phil asked raising a brow.

"You, you dork!" Dan laughed.

Phil took my hand and said, "Alright~ Let's go."

I rolled the windows down as the song Tongue Tied by Grouplove played on the radio. The warm air kissed my skin as we drove down the road together, hand in hand.


End file.
